When you can’t do something it becomes all you can think about. Ever since I got pneumonia, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of running. As soon as I was cleared to get back to running I got right back to it. It was brutal and I took more time off. Every time I tried again I ended up wheezing for days at a time, no matter how good I felt while running. Running started to stress me out. I worked so hard this winter to be able to PR the crap out of my half marathon. I ran 13.1 miles without stopping in March. In May I couldn’t run 5 minutes without my lungs rebelling. I had more chest x-rays and the pneumonia was totally gone as of early June but that didn’t stop the wheezing. The North Face Endurance Challenge was so much fun but I coughed so hard the following week I constantly felt like I was going to throw up. I felt okay running but my lungs just couldn’t seem to rebound.
It was that weekend in early June that I realized there was no chance I could run Marine Corps in October. Despite being months away I knew I couldn’t start training at the end of June. The first long run on my training plan was for 10 miles. Could I run/walk/drag myself through 10 miles and the subsequent weeks of training? Probably. Did I want to? Yes. Was it the right thing to do? No.
I want to run a marathon so badly. I want to run 26.2 miles and feel strong. I want to feel like I trained my hardest and did the best that I could come race day. I didn’t want to start training feeling sick and behind schedule and stressed. It breaks my heart that I can’t run MCM this year. It breaks my heart that my doctor told me to forget that I’ve ever run and start from scratch. But it’s what I’m doing because I don’t want to have awful asthma symptoms for the rest of my life. It is so frustrating because I didn’t do anything to knock myself out of running. I didn’t overtrain and get hurt. I didn’t undertrain and hurt myself racing. Somehow, I got a terrible case of pneumonia out of the blue and I don’t know how it happened but it’s wreaked havoc over the last few months of my life. The only thing I have control over is making sure I don’t permanently damage by body by not taking the absurdly long time required to get well.
So the real reason that I haven’t been blogging much lately is because I’ve been so disappointed and embarrassed to have to give up on my MCM goal. But I shouldn’t be embarrassed. I’m doing what I have to do and I need to work as hard at repeating Couch to 5K as I planned to work at training for a marathon. So this is my workout plan for tonight and I can’t wait.